For fun

Dancer

Another thing I did in Sedona was attend a screening of Dancer. You may recognize Sergei Polunin from his "Take me to Church" (Hozier) ballet. I highly recommend seeing the documentary if it's playing near you.



I love escaping into art. It makes me feel more alive. Watching people who dedicate their lives to it is so inspiring. Sergei's story is fascinating, too. He's not the typical dancer. In fact, he arranged this performance to be his last. Here's more info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5097070/

Vortices

Restraint

Last night you were beside me. 

Sprawled on the lawn until it turned into a bed. 

My head nestled in the soft spot between your shoulder and chest.

I smelled you. Intertwined my hand with yours.

We stared up once more. 

Probably dreaming about what we wished was happening.

I rolled you over to face me. 

Freed my hand and placed both of mine on stubbly cheeks.

Fingers slithering to the short silver hairs on the sides of your head. 

Then down to the bare parts of your chin. 

I snuck down the back of your neck. 

Studying.

Open palmed, down your side.

Then you were naked. 

I moved down grazing your manhood.

I felt your buttocks, thighs, knees.

Once completed, I took your face again.

Fell into your galaxy eyes. 

For years all I’ve wanted to do is kiss you.

I’ve imagined every scenario, every sexual position.

Yet, once given the chance, in my own fantasy.

I refrained.

Alien

I 

feel sexy

in oversized work 

pants, purple lipstick, 

and butterfly 
eyes.

Retreat Painting by my Students

I hosted a retreat for my Certified Intuitive Artist Practitioners last week. We were in Oak Creek Canyon, Sedona for 6 nights (it was blissful). And they decided to paint me a picture. It's got a lot of meaning within the colors and shapes, but I saw a bit more. So I made a poem about it.

 

Karma Pose 

One hand raised
threatening to 
pierce. 

Head to the 
side, neck
slanted.

Big Desire

What I have is Big Desire.

The remedy: evolution,

honesty. (I want you)

I envision grandeur of spirit and nature.

Being scared in my tent.

Carrying bear spray to work.

Learning to bike in snow.

Loving more than one at a time.

(In more way than one.)

No gender. No sexual preference.

Bursting sun.

Dancing through storm.

Inviting all who care to watch.

Me.

Jumping through life.

A kid high on hopscotch.

Rusty

finger buried in sand

Tangiers’ ocean crowded

wave spilling trout out

the wrong water source

in the back of the cabin

a loose door cracks open

hinges are rusty and unlatched

a breeze sneaks in

during nap time

spiral thoughts uplift 

from dark to distilled

Perceptive

You look like a doll. 

You’re my age, right?

Wow, you’re a big, beautiful, blue being!

You are so feminine. 

You are gender fluid. 

Your eyes hold the cosmos. 

Let’s be honest, you have a long nose. 

That would explain your unusual face shape. 

We have a prickly complexion.  

You are Pleiadian. 

You are Zeta. 

I see you’re getting to know you’re a Hybrid. 

You have virgin hair. 

You dance? 

I never would have pegged you as a snob! 

You are such a lesbian. 

Oh, you’re bisexual. 

I ordered the vegan pizza for you. 

How long have you been a naturalist? 

This is my wife. 

My Girlfriend has a gluten allergy. 

I have the best daughters in the world. 

I’m so proud of you, you’ve grown into an amazing woman. 

Oh, you’re an artist like Bonnie.

Spiritual teacher, poet, intuitive, channeler, psychic, entrepreneur.

You need boundaries.

Your posture is horrible. 

Your chakras are unbalanced.

You’re not grounded.

OK, smiley. 

I never would have guessed.

First Kiss 4: Couches

This is part of a project that documents first kisses through my past. Memory can distort things and I'm creative, so not everything is 100% true. 

Tiger blanket on a twin bed, an undressed brown pillow which rarely got used, no headboard, big desk, dead candles: everywhere. This is the bedroom of a teenaged girl desperately trying to meet Billy Corgan and who feels sexy in oversized corduroy work pants. 

She noticed this one day in a parking lot, walking from the car to the mall entrance with her mother and sister. The sand colored pants hanging low on one hip and her father’s ancient t-shirt faded to a pale yellow on top. The stretch of skin exposed by the falling pants and hiked up cotton hemline of her shirt sent a bite of recognition of what it feels like to be sensual into her brain.

Skater, grunge, whatever you’d call her look didn’t matter. Her friend was a real skater and only the shoes mattered. They had to grip a board and manipulate the rectangle into flipping and landing safely. She could never figure out the geometry of such feats. She preferred inline skates, something that would later be referred to as “fruitbooting.’ Aggressive inline skaters never garnered much respect from the community, but she was a girl, which meant everything. 

Paul was over 6 feet tall, had dirty blonde hair down to his nipples and looked exactly like the lead singer of Silverchair. The band was very popular at the time and any mention of it near Paul would make him squirm with disgust. She first saw him from the car as her mother pulled up to High School orientation. She spotted him on the sidewalk talking to another kid and knew instantly that they would be friends. 

He was extremely kind hearted and the most honest person she’d ever met, but he lacked a sense of decorum about race and religion that I don’t think he ever reconciled. One year for her birthday, Paul made the girl a mobile. She was very crafty herself and was touched by the time and skill he put into this present. It was constructed of rope, large washers and metal fittings, the hard plastic head of a toy Kermit the Frog doll, and at the top was a swastika drawn onto a piece of cardboard. The girl and her Mother’s family are Jewish. He knew this. He didn’t mean harm. He was just that kind of guy. 

The girl always thought that Paul was from Tree Fort Louisiana because she couldn’t decipher Shreveport when he said it. A mutual friend from school told the girl that Paul was color blind. Once she confirmed this by administering the green light, red light test, she started having some fun. Corey, the same kid Paul had been talking to on orientation day, and she would give Paul pink and purple lighters and tell him they were red or blue. They would convince Paul that the girl’s hair was orange when it was really green. They would try and tease him at least once a day to make him feel desired and part of the inner circle. Paul was also the girl’s lab partner in Biology. She would make him do all of the gross stuff, like the cheek swab and the insect-related investigations. 

Eventually the girl made enough friends at her new school to get invited to parties. Paul had no problem showing up places where he didn’t know anyone. So he was certainly happy to go with the girl to wherever the fun would be. I wouldn’t say that she discovered beer at these parties, but she did discover the compulsion that this bubbly beverage caused. 

One particularly warm night, the girl descended into the basement of Erica’s house and found Paul standing by the open garage door. He was smoking a cigarette, something the girl wouldn’t start doing for another year. She approached him with a big swivel in her hips. It was not forced or conscious movement. Her chin felt strange and her ears were alert, and as soon as she noticed these physiological abnormalities, she was at Paul’s side taking in the scent of his Parliament. She turned her fizzy head toward his and grabbed his flannel with her small fist and tugged. His reaction was, “Whhhaaatt?” with a long, dramatic sense of dismay. 

She tugged again but this time pulling in a downward motion. “Come here!” she said sternly while cracking a smile. He flicked his cigarette butt onto the sloped driveway and exhaled before turning his head back in her direction. He bent forward, enough to reach his mouth to hers and gave her one last look of intention. As if to ask if this is what she wanted. She again smiled and connected their mouths before he had the chance to back away. 

The stance was all wrong, but all they cared about was the feeling of joy their tongues produced in the regions of their bodies that mattered. They moved each other about with their hands, finding angles and pockets, and soft spots that enhanced their encounter. They felt so natural at this. This felt right and would even without the beer. 

This was their friendship now. They made out in front of people, in front of dogs, and cats. They got caught by her father at least a dozen times. The scene would be: Dad’s head popping past the door frame, girl notices and quickly pulls away from Paul while swiping her arm across her mouth to dry it off. Everyone laughing. (Dad took this in stride, he liked Paul.)

At one important New Year’s party at Erica’s house, Paul was late. Rachel had been drinking and felt her chin get heavy and her body start to feel needy. This waiting enhanced her symptoms but made them irritating. When Paul finally arrived she approached him with speed. She whispered, “Standing isn’t going to cut it this time. Let’s lay down.” 

Paul’s reaction showed a conflict. She couldn’t decipher what his exact thoughts were, but he walked away which made the girl even more irked. Later on in the evening he found her and she got her wish. It was still very much friendly, clothed, and extremely satisfying. What colored her world was this ability to get what she wanted. She never asked for too much, but she never let others’ views stain her picture. 

There were many drunken make outs to come. More couches, more lying down, more dads. Later on in life, more sex. More bumbled nights of staying over and staying just friends. One night the girl sat on the edge of his very comfortable Bob’s Discount Furniture mattress and looked down. She started feeling full of emotion. They had been drinking, but more than that, they were sitting next to each other on a bed the same way they had 14 years ago. “Paul, I want to tell you something serious and I mean it in a really sincere way. I love you. You mean so much to me.”

Once again there was a hesitation from him. She assured him that it was still just as a friend that she loved him. She knew that he’d always wanted a bit more. It was easier to ignore this fact, though. And it was something he was willing to do as well. He did reciprocate her kind words. She could feel their truth as they wrapped around her in the dark. 

There wasn’t anyone that she could compare him to. And even though her father always thought they’d end up together, they always held steady to what worked for them. There were partners that would get in the way of their fun from time to time. The girl was married for a spell and Paul called her man up early on. “Yo, can I get drunk with your girl tonight?” “Uh, no.” was the summary of the answer. And then there was Paul’s girlfriend who didn’t want the girl around at all. 

These judgments were natural to expect. Their relationship was not something everyone could handle. Love, to the girl, is an open thing. It cannot be limited to one being or shaded into one expression. Paul understood that his receiving of such a gift would be counter to building a life with another woman. Many of the girl’s other special friends would come to this conclusion, too.

First Kiss 3: Interlude

This is part of a project that documents first kisses through my past. Memory can distort things and I'm creative, so not everything is 100% true. 

He sat on the floor of her 10x10 foot bedroom. The wood grained linoleum that made painting practical but sitting rough didn't even phase him. His legs crossed and knees elevated. His blue eyes large and eager to see what she was about to do to him. She mesmerized him. The wild tendrils of his hair similar to his frenetic energy. He wished to touch her always. The way she would always place her ankle next to his when they slept. She finally sat on the cold floor and faced him. Told him to close his eyes. Placed her hands on his shoulders slightly. She entered him in spirit. Her extended being swam in his body, searching for dark spots, for hidden poetry, for places that would make him giggle. All with her mind, she'd give and get sensations. To him, it was real. To her, it was natural. And as this rummage was taking place, they kissed. A metaphor for her deeper pursuit, a way to be invited in. To let his guard down. To feel safe.

First Kiss 2: Sledding

This is part of a project that documents first kisses through my past. Memory can distort things and I'm creative, so not everything is 100% true. 

Travis showed up unexpectedly from Southbury, CT. He was very tall for a sixth grader and spiked up his blue hair to add a few more inches. He wore CK-1 instead of deodorant and was raised by his mother. Travis was a mystery in a sea of the familiar. The girl had known most of her classmates since they were in Kindergarten. She felt like it was a game to learn about him. He used to pass her notes in science class which she collected and put in tiny metal tins to preserve their scent.

Travis asked her out almost immediately after arriving in town. She thought it was because of the purple streaks in her hair. They were a visual match except that when he hugged her, his arms wrapped around her head instead of her waist. Having a real boyfriend was new. Sure, she'd held hands at dances, hung out with guys in the park, she even had a friend who climbed in her window when her parents were running errands, but no one had ever been dedicated to her like this. When she called his house, his tired mother would put her hand over the receiver and shout, "Traaaaviiiiiis, it's your girllllllfrieeeeeeeend." This always made the girl blush.  

Steve, the friend with window privileges was friends with Travis and quickly became a translator for the couple. Steve would show up and assert Travis's needs. The girl would then negotiate a settlement and send Steve back home. One day, Steve showed up in the living room of Jen's house to deliver a message. The girl could tell that Steve was nervous about this one. He was sweaty and had a half smile on his face. Steve wasn't a particularly finessed human being, so they could all tell that something big was about to come out of his mouth. The girls stopped him from walking in circles and put their arms on his lumpy shoulders. "What is it?" Jen asked. 

Steve reluctantly sighed and before speaking took on a more confident post. He then blurted out the no longer secret desire of Travis: he wanted to go all the way. 

This really threw our girl off. She paced and laughed and showed her teeth. Jen was more experienced than the girl and even she was concerned. A blow job, maybe, but not real sex. The girl wasn't ready! They started to wonder about Southbury. Was this normal behavior? The girl collected herself and stood squarely in front of Steve. She asked him what he thought. Would Travis break up with her if she didn't go through with this? He wasn't sure, but he did suggest she do it. 

The girl stood there for a moment with her head down. Once she was ready, she thoughtfully spoke her answer to the room. She would not go all the way, that was too much. He hadn't even kissed her yet! And if he wanted to break up with her he could. The girls dispatched Steve off to Travis's house and regrouped to discuss the scandalous request in more detail. 

Jen, Steve, Travis and the girl all had science class together. The boys sat in the middle table, and the girls sat in the back with Heather. Each group discussed their side of the situation. Sideways glances, chewed gum, and tiny balls of paper were flung about for 45 minutes. Mr. Sayers, the teacher, had checked out of teaching long ago. He didn't even check the homework sheets. Once the kids realized this, they began inserting foul scenarios where they should have been explaining mitosis and other miracles of life. Eventually the teacher caught on and had a few words with the girl's parents. He told them that she was boy crazy, too. 

It was winter in Connecticut and a new snow had just fallen. The protocol for this situation was to bring your plastic sled up to the path behind the High School. It was a long walk, but worth it once you got there. Travis, Steve, the girl and some others went first thing Saturday morning. Travis's coat looked old and his green striped knit hat resembled something a grandma would make. The girl realized that Travis wasn't from a comfortable financial situation like she was. She understood that the designer unisex fragrance on his dresser was extravagant. Once they arrived at the top of the sled path, they all lined up. 

Travis rode down with the girl between his legs. They took the path in the woods instead of the clear hillside. The trees and bushes with their bald limbs whizzed by as they slid down the compacted snow. Half way down the slope the sled stopped. The girl turned around and quicker than a rabbit running from a dog, a tongue was inserted into her mouth. A wet, sloppy, jousting experience that was over quickly, thank goodness. She was taken aback except she had no where to go. Was this supposed to be better than just kissing on the lips? She wasn't convinced at this point. She also couldn't help but feel that it was an orchestrated attempt to assemble the necessary precursors to getting that home run. 

This girl was very intuitive and she had felt for some time that Travis wasn't being truthful with her. They didn't talk about anything but music. There was no real spark except her addiction to his smell and his almost mohawk. She decided it would be best to break up with him over the phone Monday after school. 

After the deed was done, Steve came over for a pow wow. He told her that she should have just slept with him. The girl wasn't sure if he understood that SHE broke up with HIM. And then he relayed what she had a feeling was happening all along. Travis had another girlfriend in Southbury. They didn't break up when he moved to Milford. They were still seeing each other. 

The girl wasn't very familiar with the notion of cheating but she immediately felt a hollowness arise in her chest. The glassy sparkle that inhabited her eyes faded a bit. She knew that everything would be OK. She knew that she didn't do anything wrong. And she was grateful that she exited when she did. If Travis wanted to be fast and furious then he could do it with his original lady. And as for Steve keeping this secret, she now understood why he urged her to submit. He knew that she didn't stand a chance if she wasn't going to keep up. Travis soon moved back to Southbury.

The girl rated her first real french kissing experience low. She wondered what the variables were that would contribute to a different, more enjoyable experience. She hoped that it would be less wet next time. Moisture freezes fast in winter. She didn't want to walk around with an icicle face. 

First Kiss 1: Living Room

This is part of a project that documents first kisses through my past. Memory can distort things and I'm creative, so not everything is 100% true. 

Panelling on the wall, Bradley's nightgown, a three and a half foot tall little girl. Long white-blonde hair and the biggest smile around - even when brownie batter wasn't covering her face. Talking to grown ups was much more fun for her than making friends her own age. She's so social that she doesn't need preschool, according to her mother. This is the 80's and long before Baby Einstein. Mud pies and climbing trees in the front yard is better than organized recess. She only watched television on Saturday mornings, and Taxi was her favorite show. Andy Kaufman was her clown. She woke up extra early on Saturdays and slipped into her Minnie Mouse leotard just in time for Mousercise. Even though she could do many things by herself, she still needed to wake her parents up, oh so gently, so they could turn on the TV for her. 

This girl was at home in the world. She superimposed her imagination on everything so the house, the restaurants her family frequented, and her beloved back yard all felt custom made. She learned how to plant seeds from her neighbor and how to be patient enough to harvest pinky sized carrots in a few weeks. The tiny sprouts of hair they grew were the marker that the sweet orange sticks were growing below. She tried to catch leprechauns in the front yard with her version of a snare trap. She knew their path through the yard so catching one was inevitable. Her best friends of all were the praying mantises that congregated on the back fence and shed. Their sticky feet clung to the rough wood covered in light gray paint. The contrast of their green bodies helped her find them each morning. She could talk to them for hours while she swung next to them on the play set. Each had a name which changed every day. 

One day she and her mom were in the living room saying good bye to Dad as he left for work. Mom gave him a hug and a kiss. As our girl looked up between the towering adults she wiggled in her position on his feet, hugging his legs so he wouldn't go. He enjoyed the game they enacted every day. "Don't go! Let's play!" But every day, he'd bend down, his face getting closer to hers to kiss her before exiting. This day, she lifted her head to meet his and planted her tiny lips on his. His mustache feeling like a tooth brush held against her cupid's bow. Before they parted contact she pushed her tongue past her teeth, through the crack in her mouth until it was met with a sudden backwards jerk. 

No sound was uttered, just a look of shock. An "OH!" shape on his face. Mom didn't understand and then dad said, "we don't kiss family members like that." The girl was embarrassed and not really sure what she had done wrong. Her face now distorted and unsure of how to be, where to hide herself. Mom came over and gave her a hug from behind, cradling her with her long arms. "It's ok, sweetie." The two adults were now chuckling and this seemed to ease the tension. Dad turned around and left for the day after making sure his daughter had recovered. 

In the same room, six years later, the girl had a birthday party. She wanted to play cool games and hang out with the cool kids so she decided not to invite her best friend, Kelly. This caused a series of events to unfold that would last years and involve Kelly's sister Katie. One time on the bus, Katie said that she didn't like it that the girl wore two different colored socks. Kelly didn't invite the girl to her next birthday party as revenge and she even got a pony to come so the girl would feel extra bad. No one was aware that these things would happen though.

The cool kids were over and everyone was seated around the coffee table. A few kids were on the couch and some were on the floor with the girl. They started playing Truth or Dare. The cutest boy at the party was sitting on the couch. He was hunched over himself so he could hear the others talking. He had short brown hair and a small nose. The most alluring thing about him was his quiet feminine nature. He was a cool guy and a skater but he was thin boned and wafty. The girl invited him because she wanted to kiss him. She wanted her thin lips to touch his thin face, anywhere.

The first dares and truths were a blur. She was so nervous that she couldn't keep up with what was happening. Heart pounding, eyes darting, Crystal (the coolest girl) looking aloof in the elbow of the couch, was sitting next to the girl's crush. Would Crystal get to kiss him? Wait, it's Crystal's turn to dare the girl! Since Crystal didn't really know the girl that well she didn't know to dare her to kiss cool guy. When the directive started flowing from Crystal's mouth she listened so closely so she wouldn't forget. Each word playing over and over in the girl's mind so it would stick, "Go, go, go, go and lick, lick, lick, cool guy's, cool guy’s, cool guy's, big, big, big, big, big, big, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe. Wait, what?! Lick his toe!?!????"

The tremors started as she inched her way over to the couch like a caterpillar. He took off his sock, placed it neatly next to his thigh. It would be smelly and sweaty, she thought. He extended his shin and pointed that big toe right at her. She couldn't waste time butt scooting over to him any longer. She was there. The toe was out, ready to be licked. Her face lowered and craned over to his foot. She pushed her tongue slowly out of it's parking spot and held her breath. She didn't want the stink of his foot to throw her off. She had to do this in one try. The form she chose was simple. No upward licking movement, no, this was not ice cream. She wanted a quick touch of the tip of her tongue to be enough. It would leave a wet mark and probably cause him to scream. That would do. Now her tongue, almost there, closing in, "AHH!" Everyone yelped when contact was made. 

More dares were made, more truths were revealed. She wasn't paying attention. She was still fixated on a kiss. Finally, her turn came again and she proudly declared that she wanted another dare. She was brave and hoped that her new cool kid friends would not try to up their last dare with something more gross. Luckily, it wasn't Crystal telling the girl what to do, it was a guy. As the girl waited for her orders, she felt pretty OK. She had her hands behind her, leaning back into them. She looked like she was on a pool lounger but with her legs indian style. She felt accomplished and like she'd proven that she could take the hard challenges and meet them with her eyes open. 

Once she heard the dare, she started to feel a little cocky. She had to because she had lied immediately upon hearing it. The dare was to french kiss Joey. They asked her if she'd done it before and she, of course, said yes. Everyone had the perception that she was sexually advanced, not that she'd had sex, but that she at least knew how to french kiss. This may have been because she was always the first to ask a boy to dance and because she called up Adam on the phone in second grade to ask him out. The truth was that she loved boys and that she was very well liked by them and other kids, but she felt kind of like an outsider. She wasn't sure why people liked her. She would assume that no one would invite her to their parties and that her track coach wouldn't call her by name to lead the warm up laps. This lack of social understanding sometimes appeared as fearlessness.

When Joey came over to her spot on the floor, the girl moved from indian style to sitting on her knees. She perked up and almost looked like an angel with her blonde hair and and straight back. He came into her space and she closed her eyes. Waiting for the touch of his smooth lips to hers, she inhaled and exhaled through her nose. She didn't reach out her hands or think about anything too deep. At the first lip to lip sensation she actually relaxed. It was exhilarating! It made her feel alive and like a rope that had been coiled within her torso was now being wildly tossed about. And then she felt wet. His tongue peeked through the crack in his mouth and was hitting up against her puckered lips. She recoiled so suddenly that her hands caught her and again she looked like she was reclining near the pool. Joey was confused, they all were. "I thought you'd done that before?" Joey asked. "I have!" she said, searching her brain for a good excuse to tell. Nothing came. She decided to wipe the moment from her memory and not let it get in the way of enjoying the sight of the beautiful, wafty boy who was still sitting on her couch.   

Listening to: Kid A

I don’t know why my heart is so full. So throbbing to escape like forgotten POWs behind the bouldered up cave. Their pounding frees tears to escape down my cheeks. Idioteque beat rocks my thoughts to harmonies and overlapping tracks. Dimensional relations. Orbiting galaxies, no, spiral arms locked in place. Sharing stars and luminescent gasses. That connection locked in my chest. That beating, that noiseless space. Your ocean told me about it. My drawing of blue, green, no, photograph. Gleaning grasses underwater. Lay down. Let me. Experience. You. 

Radiohead New and Old

My friends have been telling me for months that I've gotten boring, haha. They advised that I carve out time for my art again. Since that has included writing and visuals, I figured I'd come home to post them. I'm not ascribing any merit badges to my poems, just letting whatever wants to come out have its say. If you want more info on the artwork (what and why it looks like it does) go here: intuitiveart.com 

Listening to new album: A Moon Shaped Pool

dug up by Radiohead

neurons firing together

in rainbows of static