Orange becomes Red

Obstructed

steep

the left eye steeps
tries to keep a hold
on damn impossible tears
engage through the right
you don't know how it feels
and i can't ask you
for what i want.

how is this happening
that i shut myself off?
i'm not like this, not
capable of keeping calm.
too many disasters to
confess, will end up
gone.

lastly, your mess
which keeps me near,
is ending long
long
long

I like this version better

silent bunny asks me
to pause
reflecting lips and
coarse hair touch,
orange half-lit moon
of the street up ahead.

The Drive Home

Two streets away from my house I glance out the passenger side window to see a bunny hopping jaggedly through the grass. Just before the bunny hops out of view it pauses and looks at me. Our eyes lock for less than a second before the bunny turns away to resume its late-night journey down the corridor of sod. That's the first living wild animal I've seen in days. Illumined from the inside out I slow the car to take a left turn. A smile sprouts as my lips roll together then slightly part. I fight the knowing that the imprint will fade eventually despite my frequent reenactments. As my mailbox comes into view I drive gentler with the music low and my eyes bright with newness.

Jesus told me to do it

He told me to draw this blue star
and showed me the planets in the background.
I laughed and said, "oh, lord!"
and he told me he doesn't like to be called that.
Then he went off to a friend's dream.

Separation

Out to lunch

Drawings from tonight's class

The students taking my intuitive drawing class are so amazing. I wanted to thank them on the blog for being so open and willing to learn. :) Great job!!! Tonight we ventured into drawing for other people and channeling spirit's messages. It was great fun and they surprised me by their clarity and power. woohoo!

Here are some of my drawings from class:


Middle Ground



Toss It

Time to honor Venus

Venus will go direct in a few days.

And since it's in Pisces, it's a great time for fantasies and pleasure.

Anyway - to honor Venus and her loveliness I've added a new blog to the 'ol roll.

It's deliciously enticing!

Have fun with your self-love ;)

Sleep Time

I'm reading Marie Corelli's, A Romance of Two Worlds. It's not as tight as her other works but still very enjoyable. It's the kind of book I might write someday if I could ever finish a project that long. I've started so many in the past... I'm fascinated with how to balance a life existing in two places. (if you couldn't tell by tonight's posts, lol) She describes this beautifully. Her work can be found online here: http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/4394
The Gutenberg Project is amazing.

Good night!

Equilibrium

I am not phased by death.
To live equally in both worlds
bears a resemblance to insanity;
for not a care can touch the soul
and not one angel's voice goes unheard.

By Rumi

I think too much about this stuff. I just see so many suffering people not to. I am confused by all the rules. My year is of the number 9, whatever that means. I feel ready to fly. I am ready to turn inside out. Then I remember where I live and fear comes. The lead apron they put on you for x-rays is heavy for a reason. It fucks you up.



LOVE IS THE MASTER

Love is the One who masters all things;
I am mastered totally by Love.
By my passion of love for Love
I have ground sweet as sugar.
O furious Wind, I am only a straw before you;
How could I know where I will be blown next?
Whoever claims to have made a pact with Destiny
Reveals himself a liar and a fool;
What is any of us but a straw in a storm?
How could anyone make a pact with a hurricane?
God is working everywhere his massive Resurrection;
How can we pretend to act on our own?
In the hand of Love I am like a cat in a sack;
Sometimes Love hoists me into the air,
Sometimes Love flings me into the air,
Love swings me round and round His head;
I have no peace, in this world or any other.
The lovers of God have fallen in a furious river;
They have surrendered themselves to Love's commands.
Like mill wheels they turn, day and night, day and night,
Constantly turning and turning, and crying out.

I'm no critic

but I love that Rumi has his crazy time too. He makes me feel better in my craziness. It doesn't mean anything because it disappears. I can choose not to obey its wishes. I don't know why it feels good sometimes to be involved in it. I have gone too long without purging my layers. The truth is all relative. That gets me every time.



Confused and distraught


Again I am raging, I am in such a state by your soul that every
bond you bind, I break, by your soul.
I am like heaven, like the moon, like a candle by your glow; I am all
reason, all love, all soul, by your soul.
My joy is of your doing, my hangover of your thorn; whatever
side you turn your face, I turn mine, by your soul.
I spoke in error; it is not surprising to speak in error in this
state, for this moment I cannot tell cup from wine, by your soul.
I am that madman in bonds who binds the "divs"; I, the madman,
am a Solomon with the "divs", by your soul.
Whatever form other than love raises up its head from my
heart, forthwith I drive it out of the court of my heart, by your soul.
Come, you who have departed, for the thing that departs
comes back; neither you are that, by my soul, nor I am that, by your soul.
Disbeliever, do not conceal disbelief in your soul, for I will recite
the secret of your destiny, by your soul.
Out of love of Sham-e Tabrizi, through wakefulness or
nightrising, like a spinning mote I am distraught, by your soul.

"Mystical Poems of Rumi 2" A. J. Arberry
The University of Chicago Press, 1991

Descent, by Rumi

I made a far journey
Earth's fair cities to view,
but like to love's city
City none I knew

At the first I knew not
That city's worth,
And turned in my folly
A wanderer on earth.

From so sweet a country
I must needs pass,
And like to cattle
Grazed on every grass.

As Moses' people
I would liefer eat
Garlic, than manna
And celestial meat.

What voice in this world
to my ear has come
Save the voice of love
Was a tapped drum.

Yet for that drum-tap
From the world of All
Into this perishing
Land I did fall.

That world a lone spirit
Inhabiting.
Like a snake I crept
Without foot or wing.

The wine that was laughter
And grace to sip
Like a rose I tasted
Without throat or lip.

'Spirit, go a journey,'
Love's voice said:
'Lo, a home of travail
I have made.'

Much, much I cried:
'I will not go';
Yea, and rent my raiment
And made great woe.

Even as now I shrink
To be gone from here,
Even so thence
To part I did fear.

'Spirit, go thy way,'
Love called again,
'And I shall be ever nigh thee
As they neck's vein.'

Much did love enchant me
And made much guile;
Love's guile and enchantment
Capture me the while.

In ignorance and folly
When my wings I spread,
From palace unto prison
I was swiftly sped.

Now I would tell
How thither thou mayst come;
But ah, my pen is broke
And I am dumb.



'Persian Poems', an Anthology of verse translations
edited by A.J.Arberry, Everyman's Library, 1972

up and coming 7

7 is sitting in his too-low chair in his cubicle at work. He is waiting until his bosses leave so he can sneak online to get the sports updates. After work, he drives home to find sleeping people and a too-awake cat. 7 doesn't sleep very well. In fact, he prefers to let his thoughts run long. He chases them through the darkness, extracting their meaning, trying not to forget. His marriage is a fine organization of duties. His wife respects him, his hard work. 7 still dreams of being alone though. Having the options he once had to dismiss the futile and the sounds of outsiders. Everyone is an outsider. Even 6, who once thought it her privilege to understand him. He has noticed her dismay in the changing rules but cannot summon the words to appease her with. 6 has fallen into the outer ring where toys and weeds fall into the ground becoming more covered with dirt every year. 7 will go on as he always has. 6 will never leave him. Even though she realizes that he is not her lover, her friend and never has been, she will stay. I think 6 is an idiot.

the space-time continuum (for emails)

There should be a law against saving emails and re-reading them years later. I am always so embarrassed by what I write to people. It's a wonder that I have a blog. I'm such a cheeseball! That line in Mean Girls
spoken by the older woman who shows up at the girl's 'niceness bootcamp,' "I just have all these feelings" applies to me. I like being truthful with people and don't find anything wrong with expressing gratitude or love...but why don't these emails just delete themselves after a time? I can't help myself from going back. I'm a sucker for sentiment.

in case any of you have missed this...

I love youtube.

you don't want no drama

I forgot about this video. It's so funny.

Crazy wack funky

why love?

Today I made turkey soup. I ate two bowls. I watched, wrote, drew, listened, read. I wondered. Of all that we restrict, why love?

Love cannot be restricted. We are fueled by it, made of it. Long for it, dream of it. What is the sense in making it hidden, banned, unmentionable?

We are fooling ourselves.

And for what?

Order?

Dog it

Digable Planets

It's some kind of a Holiday

Breezy Easter. Waking up and listening
to Radiohead is never a good idea, haha.
They put me into a mood, I suppose I'm just
wholly accepting of their vibes. I go
in spurts. I really appreciate what Jesus
did. It took so much effort on his part, not
to mention pain, to accomplish.
It's a small shame that people fucked it up...
but that's what people do. I'm happy for
religious people who find comfort in the rules.
Jesus won't be coming back. The breeze agrees
with me. When these great people go back to
the ether, they take up consulting jobs...but
leave the application to us.
I bet Willy Wonka is on tv today.
Happy Easter :)

i swear, hell is fake

i don't know where this stuff comes from. it doesn't feel like anything as it's coming out. if they start taking i'll let ya know.

painted forehead

the pictures never look right before the paint dries.

falling into place

I get in these moods where i can't stop painting. have to find more surfaces...

oil day - tea - radiohead

I'm trying not to get paint in my hair today. The painting above is a 10x10 and I have been saving a 22x30 canvas for a special painting occasion...and that day is today. I love painting in the rain.

I get it

Ok, so it's
kinda like
Insomnia.

Many Suns

laughter wish, yearn to speak. languid
plants. molded with
silence.

sunlit wake. the new way.
love that blue.

bother not clouds. drink me from
the sky. learn your tongue and let
me rest from shining.

unknown past. seedling

no hope but to rise, meet it's
master.

some day.

the same cloud

one collects
one sprouts

A Glimpse

 

To Clear

 

in the same stream

rain dog
down
into the window

plunk it
glass
onto the floor

make noise for me
so i can hear it

Offer: Yes, I accept

Driving by the overfilled stream on the way to work, I saw you. You were wearing the orange and blue striped shirt that is two sizes too big. Your faded black jeans were wet up to the knees. If we were kids I would have pushed you in the water. You'd get soaked and then you could blame it all on me. Your mom would ask me not to do that ever again because you catch colds so easily. I would say, "yes, of course, I'm really sorry." Then we would walk outside and sit on the driveway so you could dry off in the sun. I'd lay back and get little bits of gravel in my hair and we'd close our eyes to see what shapes appear behind our eyelids. We'd be good friends. Easy. It doesn't work that way anymore, though. I didn't stop the car, I kept driving by. The image is still in my mind. I'm home now. I should have stopped and pushed you. Maybe I've just lost my nerve.

What if I had pulled over and gotten out of the car? Maybe you would look away after seeing me and pretend that I wasn't coming up behind you. The noise of my sneakers crunching leaves and branches brushing my jeans would keep your face locked on the water. When I was close enough, I would touch your sleeve with my hand making sure to only disrupt the fabric. I've never touched you before.

For my benefit I reserve your reactions to be plain and dry. I would accept anything from you. I've always known that I am one word away from being told to fuck off. Your reaction is not for me, it is for you. So you can feel whole, not alone. You had to try. But after you turn around and show me your face, down on the bank of the stream, I would push you in. I believe this act is larger than I ever imagined. Whatever brought my eyes down to the stream today is more than I can fight off. Whatever brought your feet into that stream is telling me that you are with me. That's all I need to know.

them's fightin' words

Spiral Galaxy M100

they made a baby

they play together

so beautiful

http://hubblesite.org/gallery/album/galaxy/pr2006051b/

pinwheel galaxy

http://geology.com/nasa/m83-southern-pinwheel-galaxy.shtml

Neat stuff, apparently there are new stars forming here.

oh shit

we're the same thing.
i never even thought of that.
too scared to draw the eyes.

galaxy

When you look up
in your back yard

past the tallest leaves,
that's us.

We made that.
I don't have proof yet.

That doesn't really
interest me.

But I have to know,
do you see it, too?

this one

claim it

thank you

saturday night?

sex and the city
pizza dough whirring
drunk off 3/4s of a beer

as you can see we have shrubs and crap

yes, i am really so boring as to watch a 6 minute video of tomato plants. this guy is really funny... please humor me.